Adam and Eve were actually black and white. It was only after the apple episode that the world became color. If mankind was to live in sin, it might as well do it with a little style. Colors did not have names until an Egyptian slave, Ptolemy Pturner, wrote an ode to King Tut and needed a word to rhyme with “you.” During the Dark Ages bright colors were banned by the Church, which led to underground trading of color swatches wrapped in plain brown paper.

　　Color radio was introduced in the Twenties but did not catch on until someone thought to use a video screen.

　　Galileo tried to measure the speed of light by dropping both a small and a large candle from the leaning Tower of Pisa. The result was a waxy buildup. Later Newton discovered that light caused color or that light was color when a candelabra fell on his head. What he was doing under Liberace’s piano is not known. Color radio was introduced in the Twenties but did not catch on until someone thought to use a video screen.

　　You cannot see color with your eyes closed or in the dark. In fact you can’t see anything. There is only the memory of color, like grass or sky. Color is the perception or reflection of light. If there is no light, there is no color. Color is really what you think it is. They have discovered the part of the brain that perceives color. It’s the crayola cortex of the cerebellum.

　　Let’s clear the confusion about halftone screening right now. The problem has to do with dots—not your run-of-the-mill dots but dots in shapes and sizes and patterns that stimulate visual levels of gray with black ink or toner. Even colors have levels of gray, which doesn’t really make sense. These dots are then angled for each of the printing colors: yellow, magenta, cyan, black and electric turquoise to eliminate the problems caused by traditional printing presses. Because of the way the dots overlap, we get what is known as moiré, which results in yukky patterns running through your pictures. The entire situation is now solved because of a revolutionary new technology called “stealth screening.” (The patent application is blank and examiners are seeking prior art on emptiness.)

　　Stealth dots are perfectly round, but transparent. Thus, there is no need to angle them since if you angle a round dot, it rolls (the same is true if you oblique a bullet). The dots are modulated by a wavelet astigmatism controlled by fuzzy logic that processes the pixels through a Cuisinart, using proprietary “slice and dice” technology. If this gets too technical refer to supplier literature or newsletter descriptions which are eminently clearer. The dots are then colored individually by elves laid off from Santa’s workshop in the summer (toys are now made in China).

　　The elves use special stealth colors that are printed on a press that is run without any ink, which speeds makeready substantially. Since the images are not visible, moire is virtually eliminated, except for photos of snow on tinted paper. At 400 percent magnification, you can see a lot more of nothing, which means that we may eventually develop stealth paper.

　　Now it can be revealed. Weapons inspectors have uncovered military files that reveal a super secret weapon-of-mass-destruction development program, code-named Project PMS XXX, that formulated a color so lethal it could destroy any observer, even those with 20/50 eyesight. Tints as low as 5 percent of the color caused serious injury and sunglasses provided no protection; although Raybans looked really cool.

　　This potent pigment was an outgrowth of a research program to develop stealth hues for camouflage purposes. Color management went awry and blue was bombarded with ions of puce and the result was visual cyan-ide.

　　The resulting bionic color was tested on bacteria in a remote unpopulated area—the Simon Cowell Fan Club. They chose a place when visibility was limited—Rochester, NY—where one arises and opens the drapes and the room gets darker. It was feared that the killer color might be reflected towards civilian populations. The results were devastating. One scientist muttered “To be or RGB, now we have become the rainbow of my discontent.” Something was lost in the translation.

　　Special missiles containing the deadly dyes were constructed. Inter-continental ballistic pyrotechnics were also developed. Military personnel were given sealed envelopes containing swatches of the bionic color instead of weapons with their primitive bullets. They would hold the deadly dyes in front of the enemy. These swatches were printed by color-blind printers in a darkened, hermetically sealed enclosure (my RIT office). An anti-color missile project tried for years to find a Star Wars defense against incoming colors.

　　To make the horrific hues work at night, phosphorescent glow-in-the-dark coatings were used. 

　　Scientists from the original proj­ect petitioned the UN to never use such an inhuman weapon. “Let us seek peaceful uses for color,” they implored. “We can harness the awesome power of CMYK to create a better world.”

　　There was one time when cold fusion color looked hopeful and cities could be powered by yellow, but no color reactor has ever been built for fear of terrorism. Sev­eral years ago a printer in Keo­kuk, Iowa inadvertently created the hellish hue while trying to satisfy an art director who wanted “just a shade lighter, but not too light.” Both were in therapy for many years and refuse to discuss the incident. The plant was secretly dismantled and stored at the national toxic waste storage area but there is a fear that the color could contaminate the nuclear waste. The terrifying tint was assigned an unlisted Pantone number and filed away forever. The U.S. government disavows any knowledge of the bionic color.

　　The sky is blue, the grass is green
　　Words can’t express the color I mean
　　How blue is blue? How green is green?
　　From light to dark and shades between
　　Colors are described by fools like me

　　Instead of by Pantone, numerically

[时间：2008-02-22  作者：Frank Romano  来源：互联网|#]